Living the dream does not come without a cost. I awoke this morning “not knowing” In spite of the fact that I have been here many times in my life and in spite of the fact that I have always moved from “not knowing” to “knowing”, In spite of the fact that I trust this process it does not free me of the occasional attendant anxiety attack. And here comes one now. Wouldn’t I be more comfortable with all the comforts and conveniences of home wrapped around me? Yes. Do I miss the routine of driving down to The Viking restaurant in Bill’s Jaguar for a breakfast treat of pancakes and conversation? Yes. And how about seeing my regular movie date? And what about those I truly love? Howard and Mark and my grandsons come to mind. All this is dissolving into the former world. And ahead is a blank slate.
I have been here before, and I am fully prepared with skills, and I know that the resources I need will show up just in time. But none of this protects me from today’s discomfort.
I am Thoreau consciously going to my Walden Pond and willingly disentangling myself from the wrapping of society in order to discover my essential self, or as he eloquently put it: “to suck the marrow out of life.”
Today is the first day of that quest, and like standing on the edge of a cliff and peering over the edge, I find the beauty mesmerizing, but a moment of carelessness might result in death… well here I am. It may look like I”m “living the dream” to the outsider, but that is an illusion, or fiction. Today my destiny feels more like a cosmic joke than bliss.